Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Day 88: Heterodoxy as a form of individualism

I used to believe that once I reached adulthood I would stop fighting to preserve my individualism (certainly aging had to have at least that advantage, right?), but life and my family have proven me wrong again.

It has been a really frustrating experience to discover that my own family, especially my mom, do not happen to accept that doing things in an heterodox way is not a form of rebellion, but a form to stand for one's believes. It is not that we critizice their way of doing things to prove them anacronistic or invalid, but a desire to stand out from the herd used to doing all things the same old ways, always following the same treaded paths. Developing a unique way of doing things is part of human development towards an effective way of life, thus rendering heterodoxy as a healthy experiment on new ways and trends.

However, I have been told that a mother's greatest dream is to see her daughter getting married as an excuse for not letting me get away with my own "heretic" and "socially incorrect" wedding plans. From the guests to the wedding cake decoration, I have been emotionally blackmailed into accepting a painfully long list of social conventionalisms that outrageously disrupt the solid edifice of my personal convictions, thus tearing apart any chances I might have had of enjoying the event.

Following the sentimental thread, if a mother's deep feelings and expectations over such a grand occasion are to be taken into account, I cannot help but wonder why that mother is not willing to comply with her beloved daughter's own agenda for what is suppossed to be the "greatest day in a woman's life" (sic), especially when that mother has publicly stated that she only has that daughter's best interest at heart. How can anybody say something like that and then completely ignore what the other person trully wants?

To be honest, I have been virtually kicking my own ass for giving in at all these stupid requests. I have been constantly blaming myself for being so week to sucumb at the face of awfully stressing endless arguments. I truly despise myself for not defending "to the last man" my position regarding stupid XIX century customs. Somehow I feel I have again lost a battle to retain the last shreds of whatever personality I might have developed throughout my troubled teen years and tempestuous young-adult life. It has been eating me in the inside that the people who are suppossed to support me have turned into my worst enemies when it comes to "keeping the appereances" in front of a bunch or relatives who don't give a shit whether I live or die.

The only good thing is that all this bizarre circus is gonna be over next Thursday, and my partner and I have sworn to seclude ourselves in a monastery for the whole next weekend, thus being able to rejoice privately about renewing the vows we made when we hit it off TWO YEARS AGO!


Miao said...

My dear, it is YOUR wedding, you and your husband-to-be should get the final say! You can try talking nicely to your mother and seek her understanding, let her know that if she really wants the best for you, the most important thing she should consider is your happiness. Following social conventions doesn't make you happy, but having the ideal wedding does.

Norms are defined by people. Sometimes deviation from the norms doesn't necessarily mean that you must be in the wrong. As long as it doesn't offend/hurt anyone else or produce any negative externalities, why can't you do things the way you want it? Essentially a wedding is a romantic affair between you and your partner that is to be remembered for a lifetime, and it is NOT up to others to judge or critisize whether YOUR wedding conforms to THEIR expectations.

Miao said...

Once upon a time (I sound as if I'm writing a fairy tale or something, lol), it was the norm for people to believe that the Earth was flat. To believe otherwise was to be heretic. And in the end it does turn out that the Earth is indeed spherical and not flat as imagined by mankind.

It just goes to show that mass opinions could be wrong sometimes. Just because many people think the same way doesn't turn falsehood into truths, or unacceptable habits into desired practices.

Anyway, I hope you'll be happy on your wedding day, even though it is not as you envision it. Be a beautiful and cheerful bride, if not for anyone else, then at least for your husband. :)